This morning, during a group call, someone said something that triggered my defensiveness. I took it personally because part of my role is to support what's been discussed. I became very defensive even though no one was confronting or even asking me anything. When I tried to speak, I sounded childish. When the call was over, I felt like I swam in the mud - I felt uncomfortably sticky, inside and out.
I knew that my defensive tone did not help me to look professional. If anything, I looked like my 5-year-old who screams every time we disagree with her. I am rather defensive, especially after having kids. It's like a layer of self-control has been erased. I realise I need to retrain my brain and be less defensive. But it's not a quick 5-minute fix. It will take time. In the meantime, I would like to explore if there is a way to sound less defensive, especially within the working environment.
"Someone gets defensive as a means of avoiding accountability and getting the other person to back off." - Seth Meyers Psy.D.
Let's explore our options, shall we?
Stop and Think
Before saying anything, stop and think if you feel defensive or not. Devise some sort of code word, code feeling with yourself to realise very quickly that you are feeling defensive.
Use your next defensive outburst with loved ones as an investigation. Ask yourself these questions:
Where in the body do I feel defensiveness?
How would I describe it? Is it hot, warm, or tingling?
How long do I have before I "lose control" over my emotions and reactions and become defensisourus? (you see what I did there? I invented this word to separate myself from my defensiveness. When I am defensive - I turn into something else. And now, hopefully, I can deal with it a bit easier).
What words come to mind when you feel defensive?
What other feelings does defensiveness bring to the surface?
So now we know how we feel when we are defensive.
In my case, I get hot and flashy, and there is this burning sensation in my chest, which is not an indigestion before you ask. My heart starts beating faster, echoing painfully in my ears. My thoughts become a bit tangled. If I had time to stop and think, I would also notice either shame or guilt fueling my defensiveness.
Pause and Breathe
It might sound overly simplistic, but pausing and breathing with intention could help if the defensiveness monster is about to envelop you in its embrace.
I use a breathing exercise that I use to focus. Or you could try the Box Breathing exercise where you visualise a box with four (obviously) sides. You breathe in on the count of 4 (one side of the box) breathe out on a count of four (another side), then do it again to create a box (you could do it while visualising a line being drawn on the box). Repeat 3 or 5 times or as many times as you need to feel calmer.
Now that we have had time to stop and breathe, hopefully, we won't feel like blurting the first thing that comes to mind, which normally sounds like a defence or accusation.
Repeat or Paraphrase
To win time and calm down a bit more, repeat or paraphrase what's been said. Only engage in the conversation if you are addressed directly. If not, use this experience as another experiment of what it feels like to feel defensive, what you could have said and where it would have taken you.
You go all defensive example:
Person X: This very important meeting was not on my calendar, so we missed the opportunity to prepare for our client call.
You: Well, it was never agreed that I would be the one scheduling that meeting.
Person X: No it wasn't.
You: Why does it always have to be me scheduling those meetings?
Person X: I didn't say you had to schedule it. I simply stated the fact that we didn't prepare for the meeting because we didn't schedule a call.
You went all defensive before the situation resolved itself. It did not help the situation.
Then an example if the question/remark is for you, but you pause - breathe - paraphrase:
Person X: This very important meeting was not on my calendar, so we missed the opportunity to prepare for our client call.
You: So the meeting was not scheduled.
Person X: No, it was not.
You: That's a shame, do you think we could do some prep now?
Person X: I suppose so.
You: Then in the future, we will schedule it at the end of our debrief not to forget it.
There is no problem, and no need to get defensive. A simple misunderstanding that should not require further conversation.
Pay Attention, Listen and Learn
Even if you did make a mistake and didn't send that meeting invite, there is no need to get defensive. Instead, it's better to listen to what the other person has to say, even if it's an open criticism.
The trick here is to listen carefully to what the other person is saying and try to see it as a learning opportunity rather than an attack on your abilities as a colleague. We all make mistakes.
See what you can learn from this whole situation. Forgot to send an invite? Set a reminder. Think you have too much on? Discuss it with your boss.
Person X: This very important meeting was not on my calendar, so we missed the opportunity to prepare for our client call.
You: So the meeting was not scheduled.
Person X: No, it was not. And I clearly remember that you volunteered to put it in our diaries.
You: Yes, I did, didn't I? I totally forgot, my sincere apologies. Do you think we could do some prep now?
Person X: I suppose so.
By owning up to the situation, you've diffused the conflict. You have admitted the mistake, so there is nothing more to be defensive or aggressive about.
If the person persists in the blame game, simply excuse yourself or tell them that you need time to think this through. But there is not much more you can do at the given moment,
Final Thoughts on How Not to Sound Defensive
The trick with defensiveness is not to get defensive. I know, it's tough.
You might feel defensive but try not to sound it.
Because defensiveness is rarely seen as something to be proud of.
There are people who use it in their favour - they notice your defensiveness and then know that they have won. Why? Because when you are feeling defensive you cannot focus and think clearly. That's why we often dig deeper holes when we are in a defensive mood.
Learn not to sound it and hopefully one day you will learn how not to be it. I surely hope so for myself.
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