Why Trying to Control Everything Is Exhausting and How I’m Changing That

I don’t know about you, but as a parent, I always feel like I need to be in control. I need to know where everything is, what’s happening, and when. I feel responsible for keeping track of all the nursery and school schedules, birthday parties, and everything in between.

But lately, I’ve realised something important: my desire to control everything doesn’t actually help me build a good relationship with my kids, nor does it allow me the self-care I deserve. I put so much pressure on myself, believing that forgetting even the smallest thing will lead to disaster—but that’s simply not true.

I’ve started to wonder if delegating some of these responsibilities to my husband or even to my kids might actually help. Perhaps it would build stronger relationships within the family while reducing the burden I place on myself. So, I’ve decided to experiment with letting go—starting with not being so harsh on myself and finding better ways to manage our lives while doing more things together.

Here are a few ideas I’m exploring:

1. Shared Calendars

I’ve noticed other blogging mums rave about shared calendars, and honestly, I’m not surprised. They’re super useful in the workplace. I don’t know how I’d complete my work tasks without being able to see my colleagues' calendars when setting up a meeting.

Then I thought that the same logic should apply at home. Me and my partner should be able to see each other’s calendars, especially when all the kids' activities end up on mine. It helps take the load off my mental checklist, and I am not the only one responsible for remembering everything.

2. Sunday Evening Planning

Instead of keeping everything in my head and relying on memory alone, I’ve started dedicating Sunday evenings to organising the week ahead. This means capturing important details like tasks and activities mentioned in school newsletters, event reminders, or tasks that might otherwise slip through the cracks.

Once everything is written down and placed in a visible spot - the fridge in our case—it takes a weight off my shoulders. If something is misding, at least I know I’ve done my best to capture it, and sometimes things just happen.

3. Allow Yourself to Make Mistakes

This one’s tough for me. Whenever I forget something or make a mistake, I’m my own worst critic. I feel like I’ve failed my family, but that’s simply not true.

My kids aren’t going to hate me for years if we miss a party (maybe they’d be upset, but hey go), especially if we’ve used this time to have fun together.

I’m learning to take a breath and repeat a simple mantra: "You’re doing fine, Mama." It reminds me that nobody is perfect, and making mistakes is part of the journey.

4. Ask Your Children to Help

I’ve written before about the importance of asking kids for help.

For me, letting them help - whether it’s setting the table or unloading the dishwasher - can be a challenge. My need for control makes me worry they’ll create more mess than help. And they never disappoint - I have a couple of socks that are missing their pairs, but they did help me to sort the laundry!

I am hoping that in the long run, they’ll learn, and it’ll become second nature for them. Sure, the first hundred times might be imperfect, but with practice, they’ll improve, and I’ll benefit from delegating some of the responsibility.

5. Seek Advice from Other Parents

As a project manager and psychologist, I often think I should know the best tools and tricks for managing life. But the truth is, no one has all the answers. Sigh.

So I thought asking other parents for tips can might help me out. And I’ve learned to be open to advice and suggestions - whether it’s a useful app, a clever system, or just a way of thinking that can make life easier.

Then a simple realisation came to me: we don’t have to reinvent the wheel, sometimes we could apply tips and tricks that have worked for other, including our parents or grandparents (I think this should be an idea for my next blog post).

Final Thoughts

I know I won’t change overnight, and my need for control won’t disappear instantly. But I do believe that if I start letting go, it’ll benefit my mental health and my relationships.

Allowing others to help doesn’t mean I’m failing my famil it only means I’m human. It’s okay to forget something, and there’s no need to be angry with myself. Instead of ruining the day with frustration, I’ll embrace my mistakes and learn from them.

Maybe I forget tasks because I’m overwhelmed maybe I need fewer plans and more downtime. Either way, I’m giving myself permission to be imperfect and learning to enjoy the process.